I think I'm going to be an old bag lady.

I want to compose intricate love poetry
and read it into both of your ears at once,
and touch the cartilage of that organ with my lips,
and then bite,
Teeth on skin,
in,
in
in,
I whisper through the darkness, into the caverns,
slip into the crevases, fall and stay,
out of breath. Gasping for air,
I find your heart in the dust next to me.

But I'm taking what I have for granted. I'm in college, my parents are paying for it, I have food and shelter, and I have freedom. I pee and poop in clean water!!! That is the problem with the world if you ask me. But what is the world supposed to do? Can it be any other way?

Ok that does it.

I'm tired of you. I cast off my clothes and toss them in your face. Yes, yes I am naked.

Tonight's physics lab was fun - I actually enjoyed it even though I've only slept three hours since um........ a long time. I've been taking showers more often lately, and I think this is a good thing. I had been taking only one shower ever other day, and that was fine, but wow! I'm beginning to appreciate what daily showers can do for you. The steaming hot water pounding on my back is nice. My hair smelling like shampoo is nice. I'm not a slob! I swear I'm not. And even when I don't shower, I don't smell. I never did. Why am I writing about this? I guess I've been feeling depressed lately. Do my posts reveal this? Do my posts really reveal anything about me? Only a part of me, I guess. Sometimes I read this blog and I get a very strong urge to destroy it. It's the same with life. Because for a moment I'll think I know in my heart that life is pointless. And I'm perfectly content with dying. I like to go up on the roof of Patterson, and stand there and look over the edge at the people walking five stories down, and at the hills in the distance, and the buildings and the trees. I love the wind.

"wake up, wake up
this night is gone
wake up

abandon abandon
even your dear self
abandon


there is an idiot
in our market place
selling a precious soul
"

The Angels won the World series. I don't really care, but I remember watching the movie Angels in the Outfield every summer at my Grandparent's house, so I guess I'm glad that the Angels finally won.

Oh, and the Russian thing. They used gas, and killed about 100 people. Not the "terrorists" but the Russian government. I don't think the crisis is over. I think it began a long time ago, and it's not going to stop until we deport half the population to the moon, and start using birth control, and give the Earth time to heal.

They think they caught the snipers.

Today alot happened.

700 people were held hostage in a Moscow theater by Chechnian gun men, or so the internet news sources tell me.

I saw Spock tonight! I wanted to run up to him and shake his hand and tell him how much I love him and Star Trek but I just stood there smiling. He was leaving, and I only saw his back and the side of his face, but it still was thrilling. He was here to show his new book of photography that is a study of the female form, or something, basically a nude woman, and the spirituality of that.

Chad wrote a review of his talk:
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I just got through listening to Leonard Nimoy give a speech here at UT. He was invited by the student Jewish group. He talked mainly about his photography; he recently published a book of his work. The book, Shekhina, explores the female form and Jewish mysticism, the Kabbalah. The Shekhina is basically the female form of god. Some of the photos can be seen on his website, but they explore light and dark (the light from the Shekhina was said to be lethal to humans, like the shekhina in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The Kabbalah also mentions people or women or the Shekhina being clothed in light), women and/or the Shekhina wearing traditionally male religious items, and trying to capture the essence of the Shekhina.

He showed several slides of his work during the speech, and I was very surprised at how good a photographer he was. I remember looking at some of his work on his website a long time ago, and I don't remember why, but I wasn't impressed. The photos he showed tonight, however, were very powerful, very moving.

He didn't talk a lot about Star Trek, but he did mention a few things I were unaware of. Nimoy developed the classic Vulcan hand symbol for the episode Amok Time. The actress who played T'Pau wasn't able to do it, so on camera, she would have to have her hand in that position before she raised it. Anyway, Jewish orthodox rabbis use this symbol in a special prayer. He went to a service at the age 8 or 9 and saw this prayer given, very dramatically. Nimoy recreated it on stage for us, it was very amusing. The Rabbis cover their faces with a prayer shawl and hold out their hands above their head in the vulcan style and theatrically chant this prayer. The congregation, likewise, is supposed to shield their eyes, but, like any self respecting 8-year old, Nimoy peaked. The hand symbol is similar and is supposed to represent the Hebrew letter shim, which is the first letter of Shekhina. The prayer is a summons of this female version of god; one's eyes are shielded to prevent death from her overwhelming light............

It was a very interesting speech. I've also seen Ben Stein and James Earl Jones speak, and I say this without my Trek loyalty seeping through, Leonard Nimoy blew them both out of the water. He was a very good speaker, and his photography is actually very good.

And, when leaving the building, Nimoy stepped out of the bathroom and bumped into me. I didn't think to shake his hand or anything until after we had moved past each other, but its just as well. I don't know if he washed his hands.

Chad
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I downloaded 100 songs today. I got some Gypsey Kings, the whole soundtrack to Donnie Darko, Aimee Mann, Melissa Ethridge, Manu Chao, some Bhangara and other stuff too. Lia, John and I did physics. It helps to study with other people.

And today UT officially became a campus united against war in Iraq. It is the biggest university in the nation, which I think says something. More about that later - I have to go to sleep.

I just talked to a girl who lives in my hall. Well, she was doing her laundry, and I just got back from seeing Jay's production of Robin Hood. It was funny but it was long, and my lips were dry and cracked and hurting because the air has been so dry lately

Well, she's a sophomore too. I said "hey!" and she said "hey" and then I said, "you don't look too happy" and she said "well, i need to find a major." And then I tried to help her figure out what she might want to do for the rest of her life. Which is the trouble of life! What are we to do with it? So I'm a biology and physics major. Why? I don't know...

I don't want to be here half the time. I want to take the easy way out - call home and say "mom, dad, I give up. Find me some Muslim boy from Egypt who can barely speak English and hell, I don't care, I'll marry him!" And then we'll spend the rest of our lives living at peace with nature.

On Laura's away message:

dogs tonight
bio test tomorrow

and then?

yeah. I know. me too.

No human being can justify their existence. Neither can anything else! Essentially, it doesn't matter if we're alive or dead. But it does to us for some reason. But really there are no morals. But there are. We are. But we aren't gods. But we're acting like it.

Oh Yoshimi
They don't believe me
But you won't let those
evil robots eat me.

I love this CD that leonel gave me! It's peaceful and funny at the same time.

I have a paper due this wednesday which I have not yet begun to write. I finished the corrections from my physics test, and most of the math homework this weekend. I can't wait until Wednesday at 5 pm. Then I can finally rest! Until Thursday when I have to start studying for my biology tests on monday. I think I would like to devote Wednesday night to altering my state of consiousness. I think I deserve that much. I have a whole gallon of mouth wash that I never use. And it tastes pretty good to! Minty green. yum....

"I fell for her by chance. She fell for another who fell for another, then for me there was one other, not to my liking. Love in love on love beside itself entangled mad, each of us, afflicted."

I had a weird dream a few days ago. I was riding on a mo-ped south from Dallas, and I came to this big open market. In the dream, I kept thinking to myself "I must fight capitalism!" So when I got to the market, I started knocking tables over and throwing food. I felt sort of guilty about it, but then I would just remind myself that I was doing this for a good cause. Then the police came and started chasing me, and I was running through backyards and over fences, and I finally came back to my mo-ped. It was getting dark, and so I jumped on and got back on the highway. I could only go about 40 miles per hour but it felt like I was flying! I couldn't decide whether to go to Mexico or go back home. I don't remember what I decided.