The Windy Pops: 08/01/2004

DON'T FORGET THE MAGIC.
THE MAGIC IS WHY YOU WERE ONCE A GIDDY YOUNGSTER.
THE MAGIC MADE YOU COME HERE.
THE MAGIC IS LIFE, DUDE. DON'T FOCKIN FORGET IT.

What an awesome day. I climbed a wall, titrated 7 times, read 2 chapters, attended 2 lectures, spoke a foreign language, and ate beans and rice for dinnner. Life is yummy and filling, at least for the time being.

la vida esta loca.
la vida esta bonita.
la vida esta extranero.
la vida esta aburrida.
la vida esta un borito.
la vida esta un borro.
la vida esta trista.
la vida esta indescribabable.

I'm in Austin! I live on Rio Grande. Come visit me. Call my cell phone. Let's come together right now. How wonderful life is with you by my side.

-

Yes! I am home in Texas. I just ate a bunch of vanilla ice cream. It is so heavanly, sweet, creamy and wonderful. I ate it with granola on top and I'm listening to the Flaming lips CD that leonelo burned for me long ago, and my mom and me had some great conversations today, and we concluded that you should shit or get off the pot. We also decided that it is better to be silent sometimes. Well, I decided that more than her, but thats ok. We also decided that there is no future or past, and only the moment. With no future and past, there aren't any worries about tomorrow or regrets about yesterday. It's just now - the dog's leash in my hand, the wet warm air, the green grass, the hard sidewalk, the feeling of my waistband at my waist, the sound of mom walking beside me. That IS ALL! NO MORE! Denial is the key to happiness, thats what I'm always saying, but what I mean is that the key to happiness is to get all the voices to shut up, and realize that all you have is now, all you ever have is now.

Ok, now I am going to... read about MATLAB until I don't want to anymore and then go to sleep. Good night.

I feel ridiculusly nostalgic. Last night was our last night with the physics people because today most of them flew back home, where ever their homes might be. I found a rock sitting on a table in the lounge and beside it was a little note that said "Ian" and dammit, it made me feel sad! Ian's gone. Kyle is gone. Daniel is gone. Physics girl is gone. Joel is gone. No more ultimate games with them, no more late night movies. I don't know why I feel nostalgic. As Ashley pointed out, they weren't too sentimental about leaving, and I never got to know any of them well anyway. And then I felt sad eating Kyle's food day. He left his spicey spaghetti in the refrigerator for the taking, and I ate about 3 bowls of it. Tasted good! I went to the Wheatberry Bakery this morning with Jeff, and felt sad. I looked out over the brown hills at the beautiful white clouds puffed out of the brilliant blue sky and felt sad. When will I see that sky again? I drank free coffee at the jiffy lube while Ashley cleaned her car and felt sad. I came back here and was looking at old pictures of Dean Scholars trips and felt a deep longing for the past, and a knot in my stomach thinking about things that I've missed, and wishing I had not.

I know all of this is ridiculus. I'm missing some things that I never even liked in the first place. But it's the feeling of watching the sand fall through someone's fingers, and then realizing that that's life. And really liking that sand! The way it's all sandy. And nothing can be just like it. And then it's gone.

On Boredom

One time, a long time ago, I was complaining about being bored to my dad. I was just sitting there moping and whining and I said "Dad, I'm bored!" I wanted him to fix it. He said "If you are bored, then you are boring," and then he walked away and left me to figure out for myself how to make the day more interesting.

I never intended for it to come to this. But it has. And so the next day, they walked out into the orchard, and in the next few minutes they passed through the orchard and came out into a great crevase that cut the land deeply. And all the children could say was "yay!" and everyone was happy and gay. UNTIL.....

I picked a bunch of berries today. The only problem is, I don't know what kind of berries they are. I thought they were blueberries but Ashley told me they are definitly not blueberries and that I shouldn't eat them. But I really want to make a pie so I am going to figure out what kind of berries they are.

On January 18th, 2004 I blogged that girls become women, but I am still a girl. I feel like I'm mostly a woman now. According to Ted I look like a 30 year old Libyan woman but I act like a 4 year old. But Ted's a weird guy. So, I guess he's probably wrong.

I hate school. I hate studying textbooks. I hate homework assignments. I hate grades. I realized this weekend that all I really want to do is learn how to fish with fishing poles and spears and how to hunt with guns and arrows and start a fire without matches and live in the woods. I want to build a boat, become a good kayaker, be the daughter of an eskimo and learn everything about surviving in the arctic. I want to climb mountains, eat berries, kill deer, take baths in rivers, and grow corn in the summer. I want to feel hungry, dirty, tired and beaten down. I want to be thousands of miles from the city for years, but I want to bring a soccer ball and a frisbee with me. I want to go into town once every 3 years and eat ice cream. I like molecules and chemistry alright, but I don't love them. I love the feeling of being at the mercy of nature. I want to feel that way every day, not just when I go on vacation from the city.